


Reckoning

by NightFell



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Ficlet, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 17:13:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13345785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightFell/pseuds/NightFell
Summary: Kanan Jarrus remembers the moment that changed everything.





	Reckoning

Kanan settled himself on the ground and placed his lightsaber before him. It was still dark out and a thick fog hung low to the ground. Despite the cold, he sat completely still, listening to the wind sweep through the grasses of Lothal. The task ahead was routine, one that he had performed hundreds of times since he was a youngling at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. It would be his first time undertaking this since losing his sight however.

Using the Force to see was, in it of itself, not an unusual feat. Initiate training exercises often involved temporary deprivation of primary senses in order to teach and foster reliance on the Force to sense intention, anticipate behavior, and guide immediate action. Unfortunately all the Temple training exercises in the galaxy would have never prepared him for the future that laid ahead of him now.

Breathing out a small sigh, Kanan straightened his shoulders and summoned the Force. A gentle nudge was all it took to bring the lightsaber to eye level and he began to take it apart, starting with the metal hilt scored with deep, jagged scars from numerous battles and burnished from long hours of practice. Despite the cosmetic blemishes, the hilt with its distinctive pommel guard was an elegant work of art. Kanan could not take full credit in the design though. As a mark of respect and reverence to his Master, he had designed his lightsaber after her own weapon. He then modified it so the hilt and pommel components could be stored separately. For years, the lightsaber remained unused, untouched, unwanted- a remnant of history that Kanan had desperately wanted to forget and put behind him.

And then he met Hera.

Kanan couldn’t help but cringe a little recalling how his younger self had tried so hard to impress her those first few months. While his Force-abilities made him highly competent at many things, he had joined as crew on the _Ghost_ and fully intended to have it stay that way. Hera, to her credit, never once obligated him to take part in those early missions. However despite clearly stating to himself that he was not going to be a revolutionary, he had undeniably and unequivocally become one. And Kanan knew exactly when it had happened.

A few months after Gorse, he overheard Hera conversing mission strategy with her planetside contacts. He did not mean to stop and listen but curiosity had always gotten the better of him. Kanan knew immediately that while the idea was good (Hera’s ideas were always good), the strategy was tenuous at best. He could foresee a handful of outcomes- all of them involved capture, torture, and very possibly, death.  

Kanan had then asked himself why he cared. Sure, he was smitten with Hera and couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief whenever she safely returned to the ship after disappearing for days. But then again, he was part of her crew and some sense of loyalty was inherently expected, right? Also when Hera made up her mind, it was near impossible to convince her otherwise- Kanan’s opinion would be unsolicited, unasked for, and most likely ignored. The voice, the one he had listened to for years, told him it would better for him to walk away. But then there was another voice that told him to stay.

And he did. He had remained to confront her. They had gone nose to nose- Hera’s striking green eyes locked onto his deep turquoise without flinching and that was when, in the heat of the moment, Kanan knew he had lost. Completely and hopelessly.

Because in her eyes he saw something that struck him to his very core. In her eyes, there was no trace of the wild, crazed expression of a delusional fanatic. No, insanity did not get anyone far- not when carelessly spoken words resulted in a quick retort from the end of a blaster. In her eyes, there was clear resolve, sharp intelligence, and defiant fire. It reminded Kanan that he had been…he was born to be a part of something bigger than himself. Hera’s voice might have caught his attention, but it was her eyes that captured his heart.

Satisfied that there were no additional adjustments to be made, Kanan connected the new power cell and slid the lightsaber hilt securely back into place before placing the fully reassembled weapon on the ground. While it still bore the jagged scars and burnished metal on the surface, the lightsaber was whole again on the inside.

Kanan picked up the weapon and clipped it onto his belt. His task was done but he lingered, feeling the first tentative golden rays of light slowly warm the early morning air.

Coming to terms with losing his sight had taken awhile but Kanan had done it. He was able to resume some semblance of the life he had before as his other senses sharpened to compensate and with gratuitous use of the Force. However as time went by, he had found himself wanting more and wishing he could have more. Kanan knew Hera cared deeply for him, and he for her. The little moments they shared here and there throughout the years were good but he was finding it harder to ignore the part of him that wondered, and hoped, if would they ever become anything more than just...whatever they were now.

Kanan sensed her approaching from behind before the sound of footsteps reached his ears. The corner of his mouth lifted in a sad, rueful smile. He certainly wished for more, but what he had now would have to do for awhile longer.

**Author's Note:**

> This ficlet was inspired by my second re-read of A New Dawn and the fact it still left me with the same questions I had the first time around. I figured fanfiction would be a halfway acceptable answer for what I’ll forever be wondering. I struggled with finishing this piece for quite awhile but after watching “Kindred”, everything just sort of fell into place- it’s funny how things work out.


End file.
